


Not As It Seems Part XVII

by eliniel



Series: Not As It Seems Series [17]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gift Exchange, Starlight Celebration, seasonal depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-24 15:33:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21820231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eliniel/pseuds/eliniel
Summary: As the Starlight Celebration approaches, the Warrior of Light finds herself dragged down by her responsibilities until Emet-Selch steps in.
Relationships: Solus zos Galvus | Emet-Selch & Warrior of Light
Series: Not As It Seems Series [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2175447
Comments: 3
Kudos: 63





	Not As It Seems Part XVII

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thanks to Crystal (lakesideminuet) for her expertise in Emet-Selch vernacular and for proofreading. Please look forward to a Heavensturn fic as well.

When I looked out the window as I was preparing for my day, I noticed a blanket of fresh snow covering the grass outside my house, the cloudy sky threatening to spit out more as the day continued. I shivered just looking at it, my mood spiralling downward at the sight.

With a frustrated sigh, I changed out of the clothes I had planned on wearing, favoring something to better shield me from the elements as I continued to gather materials for the restoration of Ishgard. 

Would it be horribly irresponsible of me to...stay in today?

No one would likely even notice. But at the same time, wasn’t this my  _ job _ ? Didn’t I promise to help? If the others were out in the cold, then surely I could handle it too.

Of course, I  _ could _ always go back to the First, and to the Crystarium where a permanent inn room awaited me, far from the harsh winter of the Source, but there I would be  _ expected _ to help continue the search for the Lightwardens with the Scions.

I didn’t feel quite ready to do that.

The Light was already eating me from the inside out, no matter how slow the process was. I could feel it, writhing around inside of me as it tried to break free and rip my soul apart. It was always there, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it.

Furthering my quest and discovering the others… It would be a quicker end for sure- for who, though, I did not know. 

I shook my head and bit my lip. So much responsibility… Would it ever end?

Likely not. At the very least, not anytime soon.

More and more I found myself drawn to my home, my duties weighing heavier on my shoulders with each passing day, now more than ever. Being on the First, in the presence of my friends… I could almost drown under the pressure. 

Thank the Twelve gathering materials needed for the Ishgardians to restore their home did not have the accompanying strain on my sanity as most things did these days.

More often than not, I would rather be alone, pretending I didn’t have an entire world to save. More than one world. A world that wasn’t even my own. 

It had to be done, of course. How could I, even as broken and tired as I was, in good conscience, refuse such a cry for help?

I pulled a thick shirt over my head as my thoughts churned, followed by wool-lined leggings and looked out the window again. Children in the surrounding homes had bundled up and were outside now, building snowmen and having snowball fights.

This time of year always brought the  _ worst _ of my thoughts to the surface. The feelings that I always tried to keep at bay, deep inside of me, were now on the forefront of my mind, trying desperately to be heard.

There had been a time when I enjoyed the snow. The season and the holiday, as well. How long had it been? When did I stop?

As I was pulling on a pair of long socks, I heard the sheets and quilt of my bed shift. I turned to find the Ascian, still asleep, his shock of white hair lying across his closed eyes. I watched him with a longing that I didn’t dare voice.

Emet-Selch still frequented, of course, just as he had ever since my quest on the First began. My home on the Source was the most ideal place for the two of us to be  _ alone _ without interruptions… especially when those who would be doing the interrupting would cast judgement upon my actions before I ever had a chance to explain. 

Not that I would be able to explain  _ this _ .

But with the change of season and the exhaustion that never seemed to go away, came a change in me as well. 

There were days, few that they were, where the only thing I could bear to do was lie in bed with his arms around me, refusing to leave his embrace- refusing to let him leave  _ mine _ . 

However, I found myself pulling away from him more often than not, becoming more and more recluse as the days grew shorter and colder.

Where I had enjoyed our playful back-and-forth, I now only became frustrated when he tried to get a rise out of me. Where I had thought his snarky, smug attitude charming, if only by a small amount, now it only infuriated me. Where I had leaned into his hand as his fingers gently stroked my cheek and tucked my hair behind my ears when he thought I was asleep, now prompted me to turn over and sleep on the opposite side of the bed.

And yet, a small part of me- somewhere in the depths of my mind- wanted to only sink further into his embrace. To relax into his body and forget who I was, even if it was for only a short while. 

A small comfort that shouldn’t have  _ ever _ been a comfort to begin with.

He would let me, his intentions likely the same as mine. 

And yet, when the trees started their yearly turn, I found I could not seek the solace I wanted, no matter how badly I ached for it.

The thought alone vexed me. I had no explanation for it. How could I yearn for something so badly but at the same time, refuse it with my whole being?

If he noticed, he didn’t say a word. Not that I expected him to even care, given who he was.  _ What _ he was.

Sometimes, though, I thought I would catch him watching me quizzically out of the corner of my eye, but when I would turn to face him, he would go about his business again, whatever it was.

I pursed my lips and started for the closet, where my fur-lined boots had been buried when spring had come around, but as I passed the bed, I felt a warm hand reach out and catch my wrist.

I stumbled as he pulled me back to him, coming to land on the edge of the bed. He released my arm and shielded his eyes from the sun, brighter than usual with the reflection of its rays cast off the recent snowfall. He cracked his eyes open, squinting up at me.

“Come back to bed, Warrior of Light,” he commanded me, his voice still drowsy and slightly slurred from sleep. “It’s a cold morning and far too early for your heroic nonsense.” There was a plea beneath the surface of his words, though I was unsure if it was for my sake or his and I didn’t acknowledge it. I searched his languid, golden eyes as I debated doing as he asked and he raised a brow at my silence. He would, no doubt, accept me back without argument or judgement if only I would just stop being so stubborn-

“No,” I said, finally, a sad smile spreading across my lips. “I should get going.” He was quiet for long moments, examining my face before he sighed through his nose.

“You are allowed a break sometimes, hero.” I shrugged and stood again.

“I don’t need a break.” As I headed for my closet once again, I heard him shift again, turning his back to me as I had done to him.

“You’re a terrible liar,” I heard him mumble and looked over my shoulder to see him pulling the quilt up to his chin as he settled back down to sleep for a while longer. I heard a quiet snap from under the blanket and my curtains fell closed. I huffed a humorless laugh as I slipped out of the bedroom to head downstairs, grab my coat, and leave the house for the day.

As the Starlight Celebration grew ever closer, and my despondency with it, I felt I did not have the energy to bother explaining this particular holiday to Emet-Selch. He’d always regarded my Eorzean customs with indifference, so what would I gain from trying?

More frustration, if I had to guess. It would only serve to drag me down further than I already was and I wasn’t sure I could handle it, so I decided to treat it as just another day.

There was always next year, so long as I lived to see it.

And so, my decorations stayed in storage.

The day before the holiday, I visited the First to exchange small gifts with the Scions, whose souls were still stuck on the shard. Even though time ran similarly between the worlds for the moment, it was not nearly time for their winter celebration, but we had agreed to have a small get-together regardless. I had promised to bring them small things from the Source that they missed as gifts- it was easy enough and the least I could do for them, so very far from home.

It wasn’t long before I was itching for the comfort and quiet of my own home however, so I said my goodbyes and well-wishes to them early on, reminding them that due to the celebrations on the Source, I would likely not be back for several days.

They exchanged worried glances with each other, but otherwise did not comment. 

When I returned to my house, the sun beginning to dip below the horizon, a fire was already roaring in my sitting room and the entire house smelled like…

Food?

I furrowed my brow as I slipped out of my coat and hung it on the stand by the door. I left my snow-dampened boots on the mat in the foyer and made my way towards the kitchen. 

As I passed my dining table, I came to a halt. Two sets of tableware had been laid out- my best set, even, and multiple dishes spread out on top of my lace tablecloth. My eyes widened as Emet-Selch walked through the swinging door that led to my kitchen, a bowl of mashed popotoes in one hand, a bottle of wine in the other. 

Before I could help it, my mouth dropped open. 

“It’s about time,” he scolded me, though his voice was full of amusement at my reaction. “Dinner is very nearly ready, so sit.” He set the bowl down on a free potholder and motioned for the seat I usually took at the table. When I continued to stand, frozen to my spot, he raised a brow at me. “Well?”

“But…”

“Is it not the eve of your Starlight Celebration, hero?” I furrowed my brow. “And do you not usually partake in such Eorzean customs?”

“But-but you-” 

“I made this dinner for us to celebrate,” he informed me. “By hand, I might add, so you’re going to sit down and enjoy it with me.” 

My eyes dropped from his and I looked to the side. 

“I didn’t...think you’d want to celebrate… So I didn’t…,” I tried explaining, but he clicked his tongue.

"Oh, how you wound me, my dear hero,” he said dramatically, putting a hand over his heart, expression full of pain. “I finally come around to accepting, even  _ participating _ in these mundanities you lot call holidays, and you opt not to share in the spirit of the season?"

I breathed an incredulous laugh, a small smile forcing its way to my lips at his ridiculousness. I shook my head and put my hands on my hips. His shoulders relaxed slightly at my response.

Unbelievable.

My brow furrowed.

"You’re...not actually upset are you?"

"By Zodiark, no. But you very clearly were,” he answered with a shrug, amber eyes looking at me from top to bottom. “Do not think I haven’t noticed. You should know by now I specialize in  _ watching _ .” I blinked, taken by surprise for a moment.

He’d...done this...for me? To cheer me up? He crossed his arms in front of him. 

“Though I daresay it did not play out as I expected it to.” He sighed. “I had hoped to have a bit more of a...reaction from you, dearest hero, but no matter. A smile is a smile, no matter how fleeting. And thus, my task is complete."

He motioned once more to my still empty seat.

“Sit.”

I did as he bid this time, but bit my lip as he took his place as well.

“What now, warrior?” he asked me, leaning his elbows on the table.

“I didn’t...get you anything in return.” He scoffed, then. 

“What do I need that I cannot already create for myself?” he asked me, though I still felt guilty that he’d gone through the trouble of trying to lift my spirits and I had not even spared a thought for him. 

I’d been so wrapped up in my own mind that I…

I watched as he popped open the bottle of wine and poured it, then began spooning food onto his plate. A fond smile crossed my mouth. When he finished, he folded his arms on the table, looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to do as he’d done.

Loathe as I was to admit it, he  _ had _ made me feel better, if only by a small amount, and I was able to give him the first true smile I’d had in...weeks.

I sat forward and reached across the table for the roasted dodo.

When we went to bed, I didn’t turn away from him as we drifted off to sleep, my mood much improved.

The next morning, feeling more revitalized than I’d felt in a long while, I made him help me haul my decorations out of storage as I turned thought after thought over in my mind, trying to think of something he  _ didn’t _ have.

In true Emet-Selch fashion, he rolled his eyes and clicked his tongue as we hung ornaments from my tree, but otherwise put up very little fight as he carefully placed the glass balls onto the branches with me.

“Why put it up  _ on _ the day of the celebration?” he asked me, finally.

“Hmm,” I hummed as I stepped back and inspected our work. “Most Eorzeans will leave their decorations up until the new year, so even putting it up today won’t be a waste.” When he didn’t respond, I knelt down next to a wooden box, opened the hinged lid and pulled out a bright, golden star. I admired it for a moment with a grin before standing and holding it out to him. “Could you?”

I paused at the look on his face when I turned to him. A soft, approving smile was on his face as he watched me with his arms crossed over his chest. When he realized I had caught him, his smile dropped immediately and he gave me a dramatic shrug. 

“Oh, I suppose,” he sighed as he feigned annoyance. 

I huffed a laugh as he took the star from me and gracefully floated up to place it on top. As he was fixating it, making sure it was straight, my gaze wandered past him to the window. 

A light flurry of snow had begun to fall outside and my eyes widened, an idea popping into my head. 

“Hero?” the Ascian’s voice asked and my eyes snapped to him once more. “If you’re going to ask me to do something, at the very least, do me the courtesy of  _ paying attention _ .”

“S-sorry,” I stuttered, then quickly headed for the door, slipping into my boots. “I’ll be back shortly!” I called back to him and pulled open the door.

“Hero!” he called to my back as I closed the door behind me, real annoyance lacing his voice this time.

I ran to the backyard, the snow crunching under my boots, and my breaths coming out in white clouds. I paused when I reached the shed I kept the items gathered for Ishgard and looked around.

The world was silent as the snow fell around me and I stared up at the sky, letting the flakes fall onto my face and into my hair. I breathed in the cold, clean air. 

I realized in that moment how much I  _ missed _ enjoying this. 

The irony that it had been  _ Emet-Selch _ of all people to bring me this happiness was not lost on me.

I picked up a chunk of electrum ore, inspecting it and weighing it in my hand for a moment before I made my way to the small forge I kept for repairing my weapons. I lit the hearth and dropped the metal into the small cup I used for melting, then grabbed a bucket of half-frozen clay to create a small, quick mold. 

I kneaded it by the fire until it was slightly more pliable and went to work, shaping it how I wanted it. 

Well, not  _ exactly _ how I wanted it. It was crude, at best, but it would have to do as I was short on time.

When it was finished, I set it out on a rock jutting out of the snow so that it could harden a little in the cold while the electrum melted into liquid. I slipped a pair of thick gloves over my hands and grabbed my pliers.

Carefully, I wrapped them around the cup of bubbling metal and took it out to the mold, then slowly poured it inside.

As it cooled, I went back to the forge to put the fire out, then broke the mold away from the casted metal.

I smiled as I turned it over in my hands, still slightly warm, then headed back to the house, grabbing a small file to smooth out the edges as I walked. 

When I went around to the front of my home again, the Ascian was closing the door, cursing the Twelve as he wrapped his arms around himself, my coat draped over one arm. His eyes fell on me and he clenched his jaw.

“Where have you-,” he started, nearly fuming. “For an hour without your coat-” He inhaled deeply from his nose as he tried to calm himself, his hands fisted in the material of my coat before flinging it in my face. “Need I remind you that it wasn’t so very long ago that I was  _ forced _ to haul you out of the snow and save your life?”

I raised a brow at his reaction.

“Worried?” I asked him, a feline smile spreading across my lips.

He clicked his tongue at me in irritation. In lieu of an answer, he tore the glove from his hand and put his palm against my cheek.

“Your skin is freezing, hero,” he sighed. “Go back indoors and get warm.”

I smiled softly and lifted my hand to his, wrapping my fingers around his. His brow furrowed, taken somewhat aback by my actions. His eyes searched mine for a moment before I moved his hand away from my cheek and laid the small trinket in his hand.

His gaze slid to his palm, mouth pulling into a frown.

“This is what you were doing out here in the cold?” he chided. “Casting a snowflake out of metal?”

“Of my own design, yes,” I explained. “Did you know that each and every snowflake that falls from the sky is different in some way?” He tilted his head as he looked at me again. “They have similar shapes, but-”

“I have been alive for many thousands of years, hero. There is not much I  _ don’t _ know.” I breathed a laugh, clasping my hands behind my back.

“It’s...my gift to you. Something you don’t have,” I said as I looked back down to it, silver in color with a gold sheen in the light. 

“A memory,” I continued. “And a thank you.”

The Ascian stared down at his palm in silence, his brow still furrowed. I watched his eyes examine every tiny ilm of my creation. Finally, he closed his hand around it and I breathed a sigh of relief.

“I know it’s not anything special, but given the time I had, I-”

Quickly, he leaned down and pressed his mouth to mine, cutting off my sentence. A small whimper escaped my mouth at the suddenness of his action. His open hand threaded into my hair and cradled the back of my head as his other arm wound around my waist, pulling me into him. 

My arms went around his neck as I let him kiss me. 

When he pulled away, he pressed his forehead to mine. 

“I take it you like it?” I asked, though I knew he would never give me a straight answer. This time, I didn’t need one. 

He reached down, sweeping me off the ground and pressed his lips to mine once more for a short moment.

“Inside with you,” he said, voice barely above a whisper, his lips still so close to mine I could feel his warm breath on my face. “Hypothermia is decidedly unattractive on you.”

I grinned again as he kicked the front door open.

“Well, I  _ suppose _ you’ll just have to warm me up again,” I teased, smile widening.

With an exasperated sigh, he rolled his eyes, but huffed a laugh and shook his head, then carried me over the threshold and back into the house.

**Author's Note:**

> Seasonal Depression is a very real thing that affects a lot of people, myself included. I put a lot of myself into this WoL and I wanted to portray how my own depression makes me feel. Unfortunately, we don't all have emotional support Ascians to help us feel better, so if you feel like this, please consider talking to someone <3


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